recovery is reality when I'm dreaming

 leaving for iraq they cried to get me back

so i survived every bullet and ied attack

war is a dark,dirty and despondent

dead inside and depressed wishing we never went

hope is seen as a light beyond the dark tunnel

lost in life but I make my agony artful

everyday I wake up is dreadful

all i know is pain so my pistol looks peaceful

war wounds are emotionally bleeding

no reason for survival outside suffering

haunted by those men turned victims still screaming

recovery is reality only when I'm dreaming

never forgive myself

 mind foggy heart hurtin save yourself

kept losing my mind til nothin was left

left me laying worthless and destitute 

then thrown to the side like a prostitute

they told me time heals wounds, hows that true?

they never had to feel anything I go through

they ain't seen war and they never lost you

so what are they comparing wounds to?

in my mind i've done some bad things 

sometimes spill over to real scenes 

haunted by memories and bad dreams

never forgive myself still hear her screams

Syringe Or Survival

combat to crazy,

Result of how war and love made me,

Lost and lonely hurting for happy 

Survivors guilt, self destruct til all I have is agony 

Music stops, 

outta my hand the Syringe slowly slips 

Last thought spent thinking, 

My life was meant for more than this

Needle Takes a Life Tonight

 All love if this needle takes my life tonight,

staring at the stars sad smiles lost in hindsight.

Suffer through sorrow to overcome the pain,

wasted many years but it's never too late to change.

Can't think straight showered in stress,

injecting relief left my reality a mess.

Heavy hearts hurt more but the dope hurts less,

still stuck on a shot -one step short of success.

Bullet Bids my final Farewell

 looking to a future as cold as a rifle barrel 

can only blame myself for another downward spiral

heart hurts so much don't want to take another breath

tortured by tears just give me mercy,

 just give me death

been to the deepest  depths of an internal hell

darkness of depression that drugs design well

beauty in darkness loving an angel who fell

forsaken by love, this bullet bids my final farewell 

Snakes

 its been 2 years and a day since i lost my father

went from 6 months sober to fuck it why do i bother

betrayal beats me up while my own mind holds me down

dealt a dirty hand when you can't trust a single soul around

just cause you give your heart away don't mean they give one back

has me thinking my biggest regret was not dying in Iraq

many years spent running from my pain and towards a sack

lost love and self control from some paranoiac panic attacks

fight,cry suffer but nothing will bring you or him back

end of story guess theres no return for this mack

homeless, heartbroken and hopeless my mistakes

survivals slim in a world  with no people just 2 legged snakes

Suicide Stalks Me

    suicide stalks me     like an enemy soldier.

all tactics failed can't find concealment or cover.

  leave no man behind, why am I alone brother?

            lost love leads to my last breath,

                       the war is finally 

                                over.

found freedom inside a 9mm

 let me go let me go tonight

all i do is wrong but i know you're right

heartbreak is heavy I wish you could save me

but my time is near just hold me baby

push people away so he wont hurt them

his love is toxic his pain is crippling

life of good intentions heres the outcome

without guilt or pain no emotions for him

shot up the enemy and drugs

neither of which brought me any love

shoulda kept shooting for changes

shot for success but I was a buck short  of changes

l

Love Lost from Inside The Ultrasound II

 living in your head gets you down and disturbed

wish things went different still searching the right words

Can't justify violence never hit a girl

but you aborted true love before she seen the world

damaged people taught from trauma play wicked games

empty minus the sadness I shoot into my veins

you buried my heart with my baby in the ground

can't hold happiness I can't hold an ultrasound

Taught War to Turn on Me

 charge my own country with treason 

broke my heart and tied my noose without reason

guess my usage reached completion

trained too well to ever see life as a civilian

all I'm asking is one day of peace

a few minutes of comfort and safety 

one night where my nightmares cease

and to feel like no one is trying to kill me 

answered your war call without hesitation 

come home and taught the pain of incarceration

their post war plan predisposed us to failure

soldiers suicide exposes government as a traitor