Sound of Suicide

If a man holds a riddle for hope but help could not be found

Is he hopeless from being helpless or lost with problems that compound

No one listens to a tree but still it falls in the forrest outside of town

Don't forget people are different because we can save others about to drown

Sadness seeks suicide if no one hears the hopeless death only takes one round

Love and listen before a tear turns silent, the time to help is now

It's never too late unless you can answer the question....

                          does suicide make a sound?

Tears as Loud as Silence

Parental lessons of addiction and poverty were taught through actions 

Fate dealt a bad hand and I pull the short straw omitting most options

Though I hold guilt for all of my sins I regret no past romances

I hold more pain even if my tears didn't fall during the last interactions

For this last year I attempt to recall the details or any events

But all that's remembered is pain both presently and past tense

I wonder if he felt this alone and cold that fateful December

Tears expose problems to see past pain, so my agenda exposes an end to forever

How is depression only in my head if my stomachs sick and energies down

I guess I'm the king of pain covered in regrets and condemned with the crown

Many different woman found me for sex but none of them would stay around

Cry for help and beg for mercy while tears as loud as silence crash into the ground

Prison in Hell

They called me a hero way back then
But I won't ever hear that mistake made again
Life's cloudy when they're expected to arraign
Tear drop's rain lonely to rust my pinned medals of pain

From hero to outlaw, to a hero that never came home
From pride to prejudice, to betrayed and alone
Death must come when your half the man you used to be
Felt no freedom trapped in a small cell
I guess in death I will be free
When they transfer me to my prison in hell

Heavy Hearted Hell Hidden at Home

You can dream of forever but everything must end
I guess we all don't grow up out of playing pretend
Turn my life into a math problem depressed anger times sum
It all adds up to be the product of your freedom
*
I reflect my anger to cover my pain Much like a jacket does during the rain
No therapy exists to resolve my many issues
I can cry a million tears but I'd only waste tissues
*
Pain persists as long as I'm cursed with life
Broken hearted and lonely I chase various highs
Dreams of empathy while I'm lost in a glass pipe
Miss misery loves company but two wrongs won't make right
*
I wish you were at least half as crazy as me
So the depths of hell you would also see
You can try to hide from the demons under you're bed
But theres no way to escape the monsters inside of your head

December 8

Success was found with a gunshot to his head
With the Southern Comfort of his Bible with him on his bed
Every winter without you turns me more cold
I failed my future so i'm just growing up to grow old
No need for a jacket it won't warm a heart
No need for love my emotions have been ripped apart
Broken and reckless lost without a clue
I told you I'd be lost if I ever lost you
I miss you Keith A Vantine Death before Dishonor 'til the end 8 Dec 2006

Questions From a Sui-stranger

Asked someone to hand me some hope
Drugs distort reality so they smiled as I was handed dope
The war inside of my head leaves nothing left as right
I fight to survive but the crazy part is its me I must fight
Why do I exhaust all effort to survive
When I spend most days wishing to die
To say I'm lost wouldn't even cover part of it
Suicidal wouldn't even define the level of insanity I fit
Depressed can't define my horrific visions or vivid dreams shaded beyond dark
Suffering and wounded but I pray for death, to war and back but from life I disembark

king of kings

From bullied to beautiful thus sadness brings screams

cry for help but convoke tears when a beauty queen turns fiend

Her smile shines dark but transmutes nightmares to dreams

heart gold with a lost crown made for a king of kings

Success lays within dreams to trade crystals for ambition 

I must break free from hatred and a family addiction....

or at least find success and break my families tradition 

Guns and Overdoses

I gave her my best efforts of love,
but our sadness exposes a failure
Times are hard when you live life rough
I sit alive as long as one sits chambered

Bruised knuckles add to a broken heart
Survived poverty but done folks dirty
Bipolar emotions nullify my part
While her actions scream mystery

She stole my breath so I took her pain away
but I love like razor blade roses
Right path, wrong METHod smoking our life away

The life style of guns and overdoses

Mama Matt Loves You

Mama please don't take these guns from me

Art of war so I'll kill to protect our right to be free

Mental ward visits to your son, broken heart, team 5150

A love never lost since '87, Maury Regional 7 a.m, Colombia Tennessee

Me you always loved, when no other woman would

Although they saw a monster, you saw a man misunderstood

Through triumph or tragedy you always held my hand

Together from bullets to bottles you helped me stand

Life in the fast lane has me knocking on heavens door

Outside and hungry, mama don't cry poverty's painful but I'm undefeated at war

Victory awaits, preach peace through my poems, within my words I'll live forever

Everything from mamas boy to a protector, don't forget me as a gladiator

Saved one story but I'll tell you now that I'm older

Years ago in Iraq, I held my gun to my head so the pain could just be over

Option selected, you stopped suicide from claiming this soldier

Understand mama, it was you sitting there...the angel on my shoulder

               

                                                     

Tears of War

Tears of the sun leave wounds of war

They fired first but we fired more

4 soldiers, 9 rounds, 3 bodies

Wars a deadly game with a fatal score

To some we are killers and a few call us heroes 

They say we didn't lose but we feel far from winners

No after parties, no bonus checks, only secrets and admissions

Conscious of decisions, pain turns into various addictions

Post traumatic injuries destroy any rest or relaxation

Post war lessons teach hard, unwillingly continuing our education 

Profane, plea or pray nothing takes our guilt or nightmares

From heroes to forgotten holding only loyalty and pain 

More hurt, no home, hoping america remembers our name

Tear's from a .45

A pathetic tear lands into the barrel of my .45

As her honesty determines if I live or die

Love leans lethal, concurrently, honesty turns crucial

She loves me or she loves me not, anticipation so brutal

Suicide stops all opportunity for answers

One life lost from one lie, fatal for 2 romancers

Poisoned by drugs they destroyed true love

Hurt held the gun, pain pulled the trigger, his heart had enough

Worldly hate haunts me with a heart attack

But the drugs deter my depression

Face up, coffin shut, laid back

While love teaches everyone my final lesson.

Her Truth

In life who carries our guilt or shame

Never us, when others are present to blame

Call truth a lie, its still true under a different name

I refuse to piss on people and then call it rain

I hold my part of failure and pay my part of the cost

I'm ashamed for losing my path and loving til I was lost

But her part is something I will not continue to ignore

So here's the list of things I will always blame her for:

The glimpse of innocence she still sparkles

True love that shined me away from darkness

Her compassion that kept me from turning heartless

The patience I gained from wondering in her absence

Her eyes of an angel that showed me a glimpse of heaven

The confidence she caused me that gave me ambition

Her future success that gave me something to believe in

Her mind crowded so rumors left no room for me, only crucifixion

But still I rise with faith in my angel, because shes my true religion

Take me Away

Born into a cold world then left on my own

Burned alive in a place where we all called home

Heart grows fonder as distance grows further

Killed with kindness but your love makes murder

Crazy in love to both lovers gone crazy

She left me as we both lessened the love lately 

She used a razor to write love on her arms

Ingested so many drugs 'til her mind was gone

Drenched in lies then soaked in their hate 

Safety is a buck short and I'm a dollar too late

Cry a million tears for the tragedy I take

Her distortion of reality is pain past prorate

Bullets of betrayal impact into my chest

My mothers angel deviated to a bloody mess

Welcoming my demise, for death I hold no fear

Pray, scream, or cry just take me away,

 take me away from here

His Freedom

They left him to die alone                                                        

With emotions tied to only pain                                             

Pride is all lost like his home and bed                                   

Only memories of their betrayal remain                                

War has no end he's still fighting but only in his head        

His life is losing but he refuses to give up                                         

Loser is reserved for those who've already lost                                 

Holding onto honor, effort remains inside every breath                 

Many bridges burned and many more to be crossed                        

He fights further from failure but dangerously close to death        

Too many memories of beat down and broken                     

Too many mistakes accepted as misfortune                          

You ignore his requests for work and help                            

The man who went to war and stood in your spot                

The man who went to hell for the freedoms your dealt       

Now holding pain because that's all that hes got                  

 

He gave you his sleep, he took your tears, he traded you his future

But you refuse to employ him, feed him or somehow help him

So when you sleep in what could have been his home...

              don't forget to enjoy his freedom

Life goes on

<\3

They ignore the truth and tell me that life goes on

Petty protection to keep a suicidal subject calm

Confusion and questions, will anyone even mourn?

Pull the trigger on my pain,  I wish wasn't born

.

You call me controlling and caught me on crazy

Far from a piece of thinking but considered a dope story

Betrayed my emotions and provoked my pride

I know your hearts frozen but mines dying inside

.

Made me the monster but you fabricated my crime

Materialistic morals with ethics carelessly crystalline

Perfectly perfidious, you played me every time

But put virtue before beauty, you're a buck short of a dime

.

Truth be told I wish you well and miss the time of ours

Just remember to reach for success and don't stop at the stars

If opportunity won't knock then kick down their doors

Time might be holding success but the future is yours

</3

Outdated Optimism

The south taught me sleep is the cousin of death

So my eyes stay open methodically exhaling dragons breath

Depression catches me as I fight for my freedom

Death steals my friends but they say God is with them

Life is good just keep your head up and stay positive 

Remember the road to happiness isn't always definitive 

The life I live is portrayed far less then heavenly 

I defy your God, deny your law, but don't falsify my charity 

I've seen the sunshine and almost drowned in the rain 

Landed on my knees in front of God exhausted from pain

Hit rock bottom then spit my blood onto the ground

Picked my head up and smiled cause Nothing can keep me down

Freedom Outlaw

These visions I have are determined dark

Gory gift of my body twisted outlined in chalk

Safety never an option as a combat vet

Nightmares see suicide as I drown within my own sweat

Who should grasp the guilt as the killer

The unsophisticated soldier or his gluttonous government

One trigger squeeze left a lifetime of murdered memories 

And left my heart homeless with no chance of atonement 

War created a monster from life, that love once built

Present days see shameful eyes that cry tears of guilt

Compassion is lost as murder is masked

Most of me died with him, belittled and beaten by the blast

Your freedom comes at a unmeasurable price

While you enjoy life this solider took his own twice

Victory is a vice and killing is always wrong

Deny their demands, freedom is found but only as an outlaw

FTP

Caged as a criminal for using violence to promote peace
Can't silence freedom so we still scream fuck the police
L.a gun shots and a beach city with too many corrupt cops
Don't fear a badge because when my fists fly someone drops
Never trust a man because all men can lie
Never fear a man because every man can die
Cops talk down to us like we weren't created equal
Searching for balance like Christopher Darner the sequel
Better practice your roll and keep it to protect and serve
Cause you won't pass a bullet test if they don't grade on a curve

Seen More Then Enough

11 months in Iraq til' the day I die, I won't take off my vest
6 years to the army, giving more then my perception of best
They kicked me while I was down, so my cup spilled half empty
Pessimistic walking around painting myself as my worst enemy
Rough years I learned badges aren't bullet proof but neither am I
I stay away from jail, death before dishonor, I'd rather die
People had me painted as hero but updated me to a criminal
Product of my situation but I stay a man of principal
No help when I was  hungry, homeless and heartbroken
Never hid my dirty laundry and kept my heart wide open
I haven't seen it all but I've seen more then enough
Overwhelmed by hate so now I'm searching for love

Freedomless

I'm watching my tears fall grasping the pistol to my head

Reminiscing on good deeds now eroded wondering if I'm better off dead

Bleeding out my one last tear for a broken southern promise

Crying my one last drop of blood from my lonely carcass

How can a man be so evil to deserve the life I lead

How am I a criminal if for freedom my blood was shed

I sleep the sounds of death and screaming from my sergeants

The same screams that results me hiding behind narcotics

Flashbacks of fear that contradict the loving words that I've said

Unable to retrieve a job but I'm no stranger to bleeding for bread

Years of a rough life had visions of turning me heartless

I've cried many tears and spent many years searching inside of my own darkness

Empty Emotions

She didn't want me to hold her, so I had to let her go
Poverty into hospitality, still sleeping on the floor
I went fishing for a break but I only caught a charge
Trappin' to survive, awaiting a less than general discharge

Empty wallet and an empty stomach, destined to fail
Haunted with no luck, they wouldn't even feed me in jail
No heaven in sight, it must be a lifetime away
Hell more than visible, I see it everyday

Trying to feed my family with empty promises
But I can't even feed my self worth any confidence
Called me a bad man but I wish for a better life
Misery loves company, so pain became my wife

Stuck in reality where the sun is always sleeping
Show a smile but my tears are lost within shadows weeping
Focus on the hunger to forget a broken heart
Never would have let you go, if I could go back to the start

Homeless Heroes

Preached about peace through my own eyes of war
Empty words on deaf ears from delusions of grandeur
Paranoia and nightmares lead me to lose control
Actions that kill to protect my already dead soul
Peacekeepers paid to protect political cowards
After evil men graduated from puppets to towers
Fighting from the front line I was far from the fortunate son
America ostracized me shortly after my mission was done
Their broken promises created many a broken heart
A man no longer human just sadly seen as a spare part
Sacrifice separates the real and fake from the very start
Homeless heroes hold no honor only spoils of war inside of a shopping cart

Speedway to Death: Dismal Method for A Crystal Mess

Foresaw my suicide from holding onto A Tennessee Promise

A life turned lie but tragedy still remains unfinished

Dying alone without my body feeling far from privileged

Staring at heaven from behind the bars in Motel Memphis

My future is seen as lost from crystal fogged nights

Nothing is as it seems with no sleep and dark lights

Selling to broke fiends dealing no judgement only a vise

Inside a cell waiting for punishment and Miranda's rights

Prison bound pipe dreams while sitting in county jail

Politics, riots and screams, no one fights pass if they only fell

Shivering shirtless while hungry and hopeless inside of a holding cell

Poverty pays no bail as door opens to a destiny without heaven...Welcome to Hell

Guilt Triggered, Life Imprisoned

From my prison of freedom I stare out at the world

More love lost, no love found, pointless past with no return

Guilty hearts from glass pipes, wars regrets bring sleepless nights

Failed future from a painful past, pull my trigger and turn off my lights

Nothing's Left, Love's Lost, My Last Rites

No love from my family, disrespected by my own people
Survial found within a lifestyle seen far less then legal
But people became so quick to judge me without an education
They got me in an endless election so next time don't plea for my protection

Iraq's fatal truth, it was them or me and since I'm still breathing
It's not my mother fucking mama full of tears sitting there still grieving
From bullied on the playground to feared in my city
I'm suicidal homicidal so I invite you to die with me

I went from fighting worldly terror to fighting personal tragedy
Now its me against the world since no one will stand with me
Truth sought but confussion caught when you see me walking alone at night
But please remember just because I stand alone doesnt mean I'm not right

Broken Hearts and Glass Pipes

Glass hearts break faster then pyrex pipes
Weak emotions broughten on by sleepless nights
Like non existant loyalty from the stars and stripes
Emotions run manic so I beg for my last rights

My emotions become beaten then traded into her heartless vanity
Explosions take my sanity, but from love I become a casualty
Hours spent wishing to be like them, heartless like the tin man
A good heart and a good man with nothing but struggles that they can't comprehend

Labeled me as lost and wrote me off as hopeless
Nightmares blur reality, my pleas become voiceless
Scorned and hated then shown a shortcut to hell
Love is blind, lies turn men vunelable, her truth I can not tell

Life Shattered, Blood Splattered ( Fuck the Government)

All you do is bury your secrets down within

Mind races while it eats at your emotions like a batch of bad heroin

No freedom to more drugs, is this what we always wanted to become

No love from society, is this still the place I'm supposed to call home

*

I fight to fix my differences yet you call it ignorant

I'll  still call it following the united states government

Back then I loved my country would've had no problem dying in battle

Now days my bravery is viewed wasted, drowning up shit creek, lost without a paddle

*

Reguardless if you're a lifetime civilian or a lifetime soldier

Life's hard when every night is a constant battle or a struggle

Tears I've shed blur the mental picture of my mother that wakes me up every morning

Blood splats across the wall, drenching my American flag with painful truth and red tears, one more bullet, no more warning

The End

My country needed me, I was there.

I needed my country, no one is here.

My family needed me, I was there.

I needed my family, no one is here.

hurt, homeless and heart broken

no pride, no love, pain is not soft spoken

as far as hatred? I hold none

I won't hold a smile, happy days are all gone

my mother will have to carry my painful burden 

because some choices are non refundable

I'm on my path to see the reaper or maybe the warden

smile, wipe your tears away remember me as a symbol

because with or without my life.... isn't life wonderful

Sorry, I'm short on time so this is not even close to a good poem but I wanted to get some of that out while I still have the option available.

Thank you to everyone who always read my poetry. 

Perfect Paradox (Love Never Lost II)

Don't be a prisoner within your own thoughts,
Or material things, lose the hate, lose the gunshots
Life is judged off the love you chose to export
Heart without love is a hand without heaven's passport
*
Hateful words never resolved the violence
But you attain wisdom through kind silence
Knowledge is power when most men stand adversity,
Power corrupts good men,heavy darkness held by human history
*
If you learn to love then you know how to live,
Hatred lets them take but love continues to give
Live your life and spin the wheel of karma,
Peace of mind if you subtract the drama
*
I've found peace on the borderline of gallows,
Far from perfect still walking within the shadows,
When you find yourself you've found your happiness,
Love isn't gone so refuse to conform to heartless
*
Love is never lost just continue breathing,
Love never dies despite your body ageing
Love until it hurts because after the pain is lost,
Only love is left inside of a perfectly painted paradox

Infanticide

infant memories hold my only innocence
sexual infanticide molds my pain as limitless
men hold morals less valuable then self image
why be ashamed for another mans evilness
*
empty messages to the untrained ear
yet closure to post traumatic peoples fear

Today Turned Tragic

Constant heart breaks when you're in love with an addict

Self centered feelings this time turned tragic

Family tradition, family formed bad habit

Her choice, my mistake, just close the casket

Whether she blowin dope or blowin for dope

She's 6 feet deep and I'm at the end of my rope

They taught me to fight for freedom with tragedy

So homicidal or suicidal just take this bullet from me

Me and her hope die together

A death so lonely ill miss her forever

She said shes beyond sick of me 

She was my life support shes what I need

If her life is hell shes just watching me burn

Painful sacrifice if I take her whole term

Shes hurt me beyond feelings but its worth the sentence

I'm at gates of hell missing her, hoping shes missing us

Less

Watching tears fall as I'm grasping the pistol to my head
Reminiscing on good deeds now eroded wondering if I’m better off dead
Bleeding out my one last tear for a broken southern promise
Crying my one last drop of blood from my lonely carcass

How can a man be so evil to deserve the life I lead
How am I a criminal if for freedom my blood was shed
I sleep to the sounds of death and screaming from my sergeants
The same screams that result me hiding behind narcotics

Flashbacks of fear that contradict the loving words that I've said
Unable to retrieve success but I'm no stranger to bleeding for bread
Years of a rough life had visions of turning me heartless
I've cried many tears searching  for love inside of my own darkness

Hurt Endlessly

Selfish society wont save my soul or even search for something to save

Homeless and broken hearted, nothing is free in the land of the brave

I went from living well to living back amongst poverty 

Now all I see is a burning hell the curse of my sobriety 

Love looks like blood so I'm tragically stuck inside of a murder scene

She loves me or she loves me not, emotional ping pong for a fiend 

Dreaming of the times we had as lovers and missing those smiles

Subtract drugs and feel the pain it uncovers as we both become something like rivals

The pain brings tears to my eyes while regaining innocence 

Tears drop and disappear like water in the ocean with no drops missed

My pain and the ocean water both powerful and forever endless 

But neither as powerful as the love from her or the feeling of love that I miss

Train of Tragedy

I bought two tickets to happiness with storage space up above
I miss her but she never missed me she never even tried to come. 
Scared of my own reality so I boarded the train with no love. 
Painful truths paint terrible poetry, she left me lone, dark, deaf and dumb. 

I've been on this train awhile ago as I try to remember back.
The memory hits me like in '06 when my friend died in the I.E.D attack 
My tears fall to the ground like his burning body fell back in Iraq
 I've been home over 6 years with no success of getting on track

 My ideas have all expired like the love that was held for me
 I live in no prison but a broken heart prevents me from feeling free
 I might die young but remember my life and allow it a legacy 
Soldier, poet and an outlaw, I left this world more then just my tragedy

Fiends and Broken Dreams

Broke dreams turn into broke fiends
Shot down my success so I shot up my veins
Might be a baby on the way,it got me stressin'
Broke with no job, hunger teaches a hard lesson

Girls in the back room getting high with depravity
Product of her parents, addiction and poverty
I'm in the front room looking for change and time to buy
No love but fuck an image, survival is in short supply

Fuck yes I'm angry, history dealt me a bad hand
I'm left hungry, can't live right, guess its back to poverty again
Overly trained,dangerously educated, and a new lesson plan
No respect for myself but fuck the system,with bullets or words, I'll still kill a man

I'll find freedom 6 feet deep in the sticks of Tennessee
So I'm digging a grave for a man, viewed dead like me
A coffin nailed shut with addiction and tragedy
Death dealt from a ravage rifle of fate, that fired a kill shot of insanity

Hard times hit, too hard for friends, ignored my cries, ignored my screams
Fatal truth of life that surrounds my reality,still no friends, just more fiends
Coming back up so I'll remember their actions and I'll guarantee
If y'all see me around, I don't remember you and y'all don't know me

Similar Struggle's

My mama showed me light, my daddy showed me struggle
Both loved me through the pain, even if they didn't love each other
My brother is a father, my sister is a mother
My path perceives the post and the past pain of a soldier
*
A preacher of peace but a soldier on the street
Talent to teach the world until the day me and my uncle meet
To love is to live, but life is just a lesson to learn
No heaven for criminals, but hell is just a place to burn
*
Endlessly searched my soul for something to save
Along my journey I buried brothers and dug my own grave
Pistol to my head, needle in my arm, all lights turned dark
An angel in my bed, free from harm, just listen to your heart
*
With an empty fridge came an empty stomach
War brought freedom and benefits but both are non existent 
Entitled to pay taxes but not entitled to food stamps
Stood up next to Uncle Sam but now I take a different stance
*
Time for change when a mirror makes me disgusted
Razor in range, death before dishonor, bleed out before I'm busted
All I feel is pain, forgotten future formed a bad habit
Paint a painful truth, yesterdays pain creates today's drug addict
*
Brother's busy with custody and court, just trying to live average 
I lost my sister to my lifestyle, she won't accept a savage 
My mama fights the white, my daddy fights the bottle
I  melt my future in a pipe grab my whiskey then swallow
No more struggles, No more tomorrow

Live and Die Carefree

If you looking for me you should look down in Tennessee
Living with homemade poison til the government get me
needed help up alternatively she fell with me
moved from bottom of a bottle to the bottom of the baggy
*
They change laws but I refuse to be caught or caged
Love over law nothing but a fair exchange
missing a lot but I ain't missing my morals
I'm no traitor they turned my friends to rivals
*
They fiend my failure yet they pinned my medals
pray for peace but their lesson plan taught death and pistols
Used to dream big now I live inside nightmares
Unanswered prayers form reality check on who cares
*
We need help now so we can't wait for Christ resurrected
Homeless veterans dying on own streets from being neglected
kids at home being taught addiction and molestation
Kenneth I will teach you evil, no words, only action
*
You labeled me an outlaw because I chose to live free,
Called me Robin Hood for taking what the government don't need,
I lived honest so in death I can rest in peace carefree
If heaven won't take me, bury me with my boots six feet down in Tennessee

Stolen Survivors

We live everyday as if it's our last day

We've been through it all and finished it our own way

Our post traumatic past prevents positive poems 

Our hatred grew from growing up out of broken homes

*

Survivors made from addicted families and combat zones

No food stamps, our hunger turns crystals into blood stones

Keep your Jesus but we will take your water and wine

She's promised to heaven but I already missed my deadline

No Hope, No Pain, No Way Back

From those dreams on the streets of Iraq
To these nightmare on the streets since I've been back
Lost myself and gave up my innocence
Nothing inside me pure I let my soul fade to black
*
Fill myself with more demons to overdose on evil
Needle tears into my skin as I determine death deceitful
There's no work for the reaper if every one's dead
I'm walking through hell cause broken hearts proved lethal
*
Hated by them for not giving up my integrity
Denied by heaven so the devil was a best friend to me
I stay true but an image keeps me tangled
Death brings me an unseen smile while my good gets lost and strangled
*
False hope brings a tear to an intelligent man
Lost hope brings a dollar weighed one meal per gram
Denied my appeal for peace so i close my own eyes
Bullets burn through my diaphragm with no pain compared to my mothers cries

A Tennessee Promise

They say you're broken but all I see is beautiful

They say you're troubled but I see you as equal

An angel inside of hell but you smile so fearless

I'm short on cash but I long for your innocence

I'll wait for you but I can’t wait this out forever

I wanted you then, but I need you now more than ever

When you’re gone all I can feel is cold weather

Saw my future without you but suicide would suit me better

I'll always be your soldier you'll always be my princes

I'll hold the rifle, you hold the halo, we’ll fight our way to Memphis 

Without you around I'd become heartless living with no purpose

But I keep true to you and I keep true to our Tennessee promise 

Suicidology

A suicide letter brings tears to my mothers eyes
Lessons of peace taught that my last bullet denies
Failed to reach hope as feet dangle from your balcony
Hero turns troubled man with a talent to teach tragedy
*
Lost love learned from many girls too selfish to care
They supplied hope but the whole time adding to my nightmare
Glass ceiling shatters souls yet steals sparks from your mind
Compassion in death became lost but I leave no man behind
*
Death is forever so I whisper my own good night
Convincing myself in death she and I will reunite
No one could parallel our pasts both good and bad
Covered by controversy love more dangerous then Baghdad
*
Dreams become fears when I don't hold my angel eyes
Tossing and turning throughout the night while my soul cries
Holding on to a strand of hope with one round chambered
Dreaming for a second chance or to at least be remembered

The Trauma of Truth

Partial parenting plan presents a presence of poverty
Grew up over dosing on addiction, we only fear sobriety
The children you left behind forgotten inside of your memories
The ones with compassion taught from post-traumatic injuries
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To feel freedom just a honest man's last request
No blue skies within dreams just reminders of death
Fight ‘til our last sane breath before we're laid to eternal rest
War marries you to murder split only by death in a post-traumatic manifest
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Sign the documents and give your life to your government
War turns teenagers to tragedy, homicide is never heroic
We went from hero to hungry, homeless and jail time spent
Soldiers not entitled to entitlements, fuck you too Mr. President
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You won’t find sportsmanship anywhere on the battleground
You’ll see angels to be, sleeping 6 feet dead lost never to be found
If a man screams for mercy, you don't ever forget that sound
Far from atheist but don't bow to a god who couldn't be around
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Instead of pumping veterans full of therapy, bull shit and pills
No more containment of compassion, we can't teach a tyrant with our tears
Hand our president a rifle he'll learn what a veteran carries after he kills
Control our own country project peace to a president through a veterans fears
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Sole responsibility for actions I regret and lies I believed
Cried many tears and begged for death, an eye for an eye achieved
Freedom isn't free when war has a cost, hope those tyrants have the receipt
If you take my peoples freedom then take this advice "don't fall asleep"

Lost Chance, Last History

I tried to blame them for stealing my memories
but it was my own pain that concealed my blessings
pessimistic outlook while I was walking among angels
king of rebels without a crown, heart bleeding through my knuckles
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there's nothing I wouldn't do for just for one more chance
dreams to go back in time and enjoy that last dance
my past represented from present scars repellent at first glance
impossible to advance, all I know is pain and past romance
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It has been a while since I have felt anything
that's the only plus side, my post war problems bring
born with a smile stored it next to faith, just as a memory
concrete past turns black or white, as love is lost to history

Remedy for Guilt

My guilt sick memory reminds me of the pain i deserve
from destroying angels to war crimes as a military reserve
emotional Alaska nothings bright when you see no sun
i miss the times with her but I don't miss the beatings i put on
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search to absolve for lives taken while my own mind is lost
guilt cuts into my arm but there's no remedy for feeling unstable
since that horrific moment every night I turn and toss
paid to fight for greed cause freedom is free when governments are disabled
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I can't see me with a future but they say my vision's fine
all I feel is dark and grey but the VA wont rate me as color blind
there's no more blue sky above me but I am under some stress
this country took everything from me until i had nothing left
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2 rounds chambered, one fires into his skull, the other into mine
both my enemies dead, I killed two strangers, don't call it suicide

homeMADe poISON

So young and innocent yet mature and fragmented
no vision of future, darkness kept her blinded
she could have been anything with a little guidance
parents not present, solace sought in substance
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no hope because we can't bring back our yesterdays
picture peace, in a life absent of armies
sleepless war pain sticks like a mask onto her face
coins outweigh compassion, with morals misplaced
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searching for sunshine but it's concealed from the rain
forfeit a lifeline, its hidden by pain
incompetent decisions to reach survival
test the truth, heal the heart, forever faithful
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Remnants of our past mistakes cloud our future
don't let them see tears, when our eyes gain moisture
hear her story then you have met a real soldier
beautiful, heart of gold, a fearless warrior

She Still Haunts Me

No more promises, the truth cannot be found here
Much like you, who made her choice to disappear
If you didn't need others for your sick vanity
I'd have the steering wheel to my sobriety
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If leaving me was your version of compassion
You should check both, the compass and direction
Back from war with only problems to show for it
You left me broken hearted, to loss I submit
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Pretend nothings wrong, you smile like you're happy
I was dying inside, gunshot, now you lost me
My heart in your hands, is it the ending you wanted
Like thoughts from the streets of war, that I'm still haunted

Trauma turns Tragedy (no place for me)

Born into poverty, baptized in beer, grasping a losing hand
addiction destroys a family, they taught pain, and now I understand
infantile memories when mama sold her soul to the dope man
29 crystals created 29 caskets gone without a promised land
souls become lost inside of the hell famous for the Joshua tree
I was far too hopeless, way too young, thinking this ain't no place for me...
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from high school to just high, I've never changed, still angry, young and poor
respect, god and freedom, all lost concepts that I can't accept anymore
Iraq tattooed me with death, holding a pill bottle and gun, my pains implied
mentally mangled from physical murder, they shot at us first, I just replied
dried in the earth are tears I've cried to pay the cost to be free
pain consuming my mind in a country of war, this ain't no place for me
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unable to pretend to predict the trauma of post war problems
angry flashbacks with no sleep, I become a prisoner to my symptoms
surrounded with my pain but I'm always alone, soldiers turn victim
no pride, just troubles, I reached for help but I have been failed by the system
dead bodies to battered angels, I won't accept any mercy
I hate the monster that I see in the mirror, this ain't no place for me
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overdosed on the chaos and rage that's internally imprisoned
from the pain of poverty to a lonely heart, still no one listened
A hungry man turns criminal mind with a moral direction
empathetic heart burned cold from day of enlistment to separation
perceive that home is for heroes then respect turns me lonely
enjoy your star spangled land of the free, turncoats, so it ain't no place for me
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escaped the desert ghetto, made it out a Nazi work party
never been rich but I have tasted what life is like outside of poverty
punk paying dues then covering the cost of freedom with the army
I ran with devils, shared love with angels both brought an idea of beauty
hero to villain, only my mama love's an outlaw like me
call it whatever you want, heaven or earth, this still ain't no place for me

Dreams, Angels, and Dust (Committed Iniquity II)

I've been forgotten by friends caused by their own truancy
I remained faithful yet they lacerated love and lacked loyalty
Beginning of time God created heaven, earth and my heartache
created as a casualty of compassion, my pain is no mistake

outside under refrigerant rain, old memories warmed me inside of dreams
needle hits skin like paper and pen, truth exposed a scandal, we die as fiends
loss teaches trust, recurrent absence of integrity too hard to adjust
broken and beaten, stumbling for hope, lost all faith found hanging from a rope

dead man walking blind, bordering the lines of realism and psychosis
atrocious violence from forced stab wounds followed by my forgiveness
we alone determine mistakes made soluble from tears cried for payment
my heart turns cold and I go hungry from formal friends failed commitment

homicidal thoughts to eliminate the problem with a single knife thrust
but I can't predict the future, no matter how many crystal balls I've crushed
Only God can judge me, life of an outlaw, a life of loneliness
but I will never make it to heaven, no matter the amount of angels dust

Present of Pain II

Unless you were sitting in the seat next to me, you can't understand
The anger it takes to drive me, or the pain of war received first hand
Clock stops, no room for emotions, there is only time to return fire
Mind stops, it was either him or me and I was not ready to expire
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Unclear thoughts, my memory has faded but my pain is still present
My stomach knots, constant reminders make explosions seem current
It is a few years later, so why am I still paying for the cost of war?
I refuse treatment, but I need help, I can't carry this guilt anymore
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Reality is a nightmare and happiness is for dreamers
Blood stains both my hands and drips through my fingers
Hide my tears in the shadows because they won't judge me
Stab wounds in my back, popular with no friends, just lonely
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Selected path silenced from too many strange voices
Excessive consumption of hate, drugs, and bad choices
I no longer rest, I am a prisoner to my sleep
Stolen of pride, but my guilt they've allowed me to keep
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Horrifying visions of events that cause my conscience to betray me
My ears still bring screaming but my painful past creates tears daily
Tears dry, families die, I will always remain a patient to my P.T.S.D
Lasting for a lifetime, the final present, from my dead enemy

Closing Curtain

Closing Curtain

When I had her, I had everything, but only half the perfect couple
far from perfect as far as timing, but enough time there to hurt her
I went from drugs in the hallway bathroom, to hugs in the master bedroom
effort for my sanity lost, cerebral turns psycho, all love lost

I'm left alone with my pain, that you could never understand
with the months of self destruction, no longer in your hands
Our love came to an end, so I stand here less then hopeless
with my gun to my head, my curtain call turns atrocious

Sacred Failure

I remain chemically high to numb the pain of a lifetime of hatred
no more time to cry, yet i still hold my failure's sacred
trying to turn right for today, so tomorrow I can create a change
no success in my sight, it must be out of my rifles range
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they outlawed our freedom so I replaced girls with guns
survived on the battlefield now I preach peace through poems
contradicting lifestyle only if you leave life too quick
fight for people, stand for peace, inaudible words turn tragic
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I convey no honor with my actions that assert integrity
along the way I went outside my mind and lost my moral credibly
I take my own life for the world has taken all my sanity
My mother holds my heart, the world can have whats left of me

22 Bullet Salute

I look inside the mirror and see somebody that i used to know
broken without a will to live, a soldier, a hero, a little while ago
sent to another side of  the world to fight in another mans war
bombs consume friends,covered in blood, images I still ignore
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world without integrity yet this truth spoken if it rains it pours
government assisted suicide, more money, more combat tours
betrayal from the same people i once swore to always protect
lost child now lost soldier, payment overdue wheres my respect
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horrific nightmares of war cause my conscience to prevent my salvation
no trust, no therapy, pills and liquor become self prescribed medication
traumatic flashbacks send my fate into a downward spiral of depression
22 rifle rounds create 21 rifle sounds after I ride the last one into heaven

Heart's Empty, Already Reached My End

my own society labeled me as a criminal
broken by war then made into a monster
sobriety isn't on my bucket list to conquer
answer for survival be savage like an animal
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take a look in my eyes and see what's left
my heart turned cold, no love just breath
29 pipe dreams meth trap turns wild west
i see clearly there's no future for me just death
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swallow a bottle of pills just to help me stay free
trying to escape the evil emotions that imprison me
i surrender them my last breath and feel my last emotion
kill your compassion shed no tears, my heart turns frozen
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born hopeless but turned heartless, hidden path to heaven
pain doesn't speak words but my life has shown its action
you can try and feel my pain but you wont ever see my tears
nothing scares me anymore I've survived through all my fears
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my uncle shot himself with the southern comfort of his own gun
Iraq killed my best friend I still pray that i could've been the one
family chose addiction so i survived living on my own
but now I've lost myself, so I can't even be alone

Death Penalty Plea

grew up on southern morals and values
tears from a clown there's no more humor in this cartoon
pain turns addiction I no longer argue
nothing left in life I'm in too deep and gone way too soon
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nothing is ever as good as it seems
awake from guilt inside my own nightmares, scared by my own screams
lonely so i give my heart to my country
I didn't defend freedom, killing for food, no hope i was homeless and hungry
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everlasting pain and a few meals for my service to you
I'm consumed by my night but don't fear darkness you can make it through
Pruitt becomes Latin for parasite, harmful to my host
my last meal, synoptic to my brothers but eaten alone,midnight chow pizza and french toast
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like all my friends all my hero's are dead and gone
left alone as a coward, without honor I'm returning home
betrayed by all, my homeland is now my combat zone
I'm left behind, coward without a crown an idea without a throne
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desperate for a dollar, keep my image it will not feed me
born with a life sentence punished with poverty
God gives a psycho compassion, I can feel pain but never free
guilty, my integrity dies with me, home turns hell, a death penalty turns plea

Circus of Life

Hate Enters Loveless People, Maybe Everyone
life brings humor and humor brings laughter, funny only without education
life is irony but life isn't funny, clowns tell jokes so Irony becomes humorous
people love money, we live for love, yet give our life for love and kill for money
situations can quickly become mysterious
Morally Sound Clown gets no love and gets no money, yet remains true to values
a clown with good intentions but still portrayed villainous
Pain filled Clown has a life about pain told while crying tears within the shadows
a joke told a little more serious
Contradicting Clown gives nothing but compassion yet gets no love and has no money
contradicting night by remaining emotionally sunny
Dead Man Clown walks without love so hes walking without living
death fell on him but some how he keeps giving
Compassionate Clown gives love because he has nothing, not even money
compassion is good but brings much pain yet well worth the agony
Lesson of Life Clown teaches a good lesson and talks more bluntly
"always help and give love, if we don't take care of each other, life is far from funny"

Darkness Well Worth It

i saw the day you woke up and left me

i heard these days you're far from lonely

lies told that i was your one and only

live darkness when only shadows hold me

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my forced violence creates contradictions

my fear and depression, your emotional restrictions 

hold me please, I am too alone to be fearful 

hold you and squeeze, to these tears I remain faithful

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my soul still sits solitarily saturated with sadness

illusory perceptions as my tears wet my carpet

memories of losing love from my bad habits

punished with a lifetime of painful regret,

made months of love well worth it

Integrity of Betrayal

breathing brings pain as an invisible soldier

mistake morals as myths hate becomes holy

living tears with the world on your shoulders

I was little, they were lost, I'm still left lonely

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people look for respect because its inside my holster

I'm gambling for truth so loyalty is like poker

my best friend took love away from his own brother

same betrayal that made my heart grow colder

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I deployed to war because we remained paralyzed

tears hit the floor as pain fell from my mamas eyes

been to hell and back never given respect or mercy

tired of fighting when it's the world against me

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if I found reason to live I'd lose all reasons to trust

I control my smile so happiness can adjust

squeeze my own trigger results my life concluded

silence my words but my pain is never muted

Nothing Left to Admire

suicide took my uncle and my homie went with him,
since birth I been battered and belittled a victim
still no good found inside of these 29 badlands
two palms hold nine grams without any helping hands
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I continue to carry a back pack filled with dark irony
much confusion of mistaken love and hatred inside of me
misled with no self assurance isolated from confidence
no control I have been robbed of consciousness
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inevitable punishment for trying to make life worthwhile
take life before freedom lose hate to find a smile
there is no need to tattoo tears if you're forever crying
no failure can be found if you're forever trying
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free from resentment but I remain riding by my damn self
already took my heart so they reach for my wealth
they looked for money as i received inordinate violence
but all they could grasp was my total incompetence
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looking for sunshine inside of the rain but poverty opens fire
stomach becomes filled in exchange for a trial
detested by my own people while they refuse to love me
morals become missing when loyalty is left lonely
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life lived loveless so only my tears remain
God takes a look into my heart but my troubles he can not restrain
soldiers become thugs it's my time to retire
reach for air but the drugs leave little to none of me left to admire