Remedy for Guilt

My guilt sick memory reminds me of the pain i deserve
from destroying angels to war crimes as a military reserve
emotional Alaska nothings bright when you see no sun
i miss the times with her but I don't miss the beatings i put on
*
search to absolve for lives taken while my own mind is lost
guilt cuts into my arm but there's no remedy for feeling unstable
since that horrific moment every night I turn and toss
paid to fight for greed cause freedom is free when governments are disabled
*
I can't see me with a future but they say my vision's fine
all I feel is dark and grey but the VA wont rate me as color blind
there's no more blue sky above me but I am under some stress
this country took everything from me until i had nothing left
*
2 rounds chambered, one fires into his skull, the other into mine
both my enemies dead, I killed two strangers, don't call it suicide