recovery is reality when I'm dreaming

 leaving for iraq they cried to get me back

so i survived every bullet and ied attack

war is a dark,dirty and despondent

dead inside and depressed wishing we never went

hope is seen as a light beyond the dark tunnel

lost in life but I make my agony artful

everyday I wake up is dreadful

all i know is pain so my pistol looks peaceful

war wounds are emotionally bleeding

no reason for survival outside suffering

haunted by those men turned victims still screaming

recovery is reality only when I'm dreaming

never forgive myself

 mind foggy heart hurtin save yourself

kept losing my mind til nothin was left

left me laying worthless and destitute 

then thrown to the side like a prostitute

they told me time heals wounds, hows that true?

they never had to feel anything I go through

they ain't seen war and they never lost you

so what are they comparing wounds to?

in my mind i've done some bad things 

sometimes spill over to real scenes 

haunted by memories and bad dreams

never forgive myself still hear her screams

Syringe Or Survival

combat to crazy,

Result of how war and love made me,

Lost and lonely hurting for happy 

Survivors guilt, self destruct til all I have is agony 

Music stops, 

outta my hand the Syringe slowly slips 

Last thought spent thinking, 

My life was meant for more than this

Needle Takes a Life Tonight

 All love if this needle takes my life tonight,

staring at the stars sad smiles lost in hindsight.

Suffer through sorrow to overcome the pain,

wasted many years but it's never too late to change.

Can't think straight showered in stress,

injecting relief left my reality a mess.

Heavy hearts hurt more but the dope hurts less,

still stuck on a shot -one step short of success.

Bullet Bids my final Farewell

 looking to a future as cold as a rifle barrel 

can only blame myself for another downward spiral

heart hurts so much don't want to take another breath

tortured by tears just give me mercy,

 just give me death

been to the deepest  depths of an internal hell

darkness of depression that drugs design well

beauty in darkness loving an angel who fell

forsaken by love, this bullet bids my final farewell 

Snakes

 its been 2 years and a day since i lost my father

went from 6 months sober to fuck it why do i bother

betrayal beats me up while my own mind holds me down

dealt a dirty hand when you can't trust a single soul around

just cause you give your heart away don't mean they give one back

has me thinking my biggest regret was not dying in Iraq

many years spent running from my pain and towards a sack

lost love and self control from some paranoiac panic attacks

fight,cry suffer but nothing will bring you or him back

end of story guess theres no return for this mack

homeless, heartbroken and hopeless my mistakes

survivals slim in a world  with no people just 2 legged snakes

Suicide Stalks Me

    suicide stalks me     like an enemy soldier.

all tactics failed can't find concealment or cover.

  leave no man behind, why am I alone brother?

            lost love leads to my last breath,

                       the war is finally 

                                over.

found freedom inside a 9mm

 let me go let me go tonight

all i do is wrong but i know you're right

heartbreak is heavy I wish you could save me

but my time is near just hold me baby

push people away so he wont hurt them

his love is toxic his pain is crippling

life of good intentions heres the outcome

without guilt or pain no emotions for him

shot up the enemy and drugs

neither of which brought me any love

shoulda kept shooting for changes

shot for success but I was a buck short  of changes

l

Love Lost from Inside The Ultrasound II

 living in your head gets you down and disturbed

wish things went different still searching the right words

Can't justify violence never hit a girl

but you aborted true love before she seen the world

damaged people taught from trauma play wicked games

empty minus the sadness I shoot into my veins

you buried my heart with my baby in the ground

can't hold happiness I can't hold an ultrasound

Taught War to Turn on Me

 charge my own country with treason 

broke my heart and tied my noose without reason

guess my usage reached completion

trained too well to ever see life as a civilian

all I'm asking is one day of peace

a few minutes of comfort and safety 

one night where my nightmares cease

and to feel like no one is trying to kill me 

answered your war call without hesitation 

come home and taught the pain of incarceration

their post war plan predisposed us to failure

soldiers suicide exposes government as a traitor 

back to needle again

after i lost my baby I aint into taking losses
from hopeless romantic to alone and heartless
i aint the one, trust that, my mind is full of monsters
no level i wont take it to,  no matter what the costs is
learn a lesson from a man taught by tragedy
Before you provoke the demons locked inside me

Sober

 whole life ive been fucked up

thinking i could live without you

treating you like my worst enemy

clarity comes the only opposition is me

they said be sober and youll be happy

truth be told aint no happiness left for me

earned and killed for my respect

taxes created a killer,  whatd you expect?

love me during war but after just neglect

traded my life for minimum wage check

with the idea i was sent to protect

my past paints a painful picture

taught by tragedy, agony is my architect  

R.I.P say a prayer

 say a prayer for me say a prayer for me

actually dont waste your breathe on me

not like you ever made life fair for me

R.I.P to all the fucks I gave

just look at the monster you've made

no love for soldiers when wars over

self medicate, pains too real sober 

perfect sucide day

 3 bottles of pills, 5th of whiskey, half a 12 pack of beer

loaded pistol of PTSD, flag in hand my time is near

put my uniform on, cause today's my last day 

perfectly painted my portrait of pain this way

Shayna

 every shot in my vein is another step 

past the pain but that much closer to death

memories haunt me but they call it surviving

living or dying see me still stuck suffering

mistake's help mold you ,just don't let them define you

never leave anyone behind, love see's it through

the frustration is crippling the guilt will blind you

emotionally bleeding, a lonely rendezvous

all I know is hopeless, a feeling I'm used to

promised I'd never leave, but what does a coward do

turns his back on the best friend and love he ever knew

then he preaches about integrity,and staying true

but holds none, cause he turned his back on himself too

honor, integrity,respect everything he knew

all became lost, I lost it all... when I lost you

betrayal is a double edged sword

you can not betray someone 

without betraying yourself too

Never alone with my firearm on me

  never alone but i'm always lonely

crazy so i keep a firearm on me

guess you can blame war for what it done to me

wont get got by the same people that paid me

find out I don't play about my people 

turn your block into Baghdad the sequel

more strength, more power, more support

but anytime there’s combat, that’s my home court

Theory unKind

freedom is hopeless for those trapped in their mind

don't enter my head my monsters play unconfined

don't follow my foot prints I follow a path blind

suffer the sounds of screams within an unsound mind

my sadness turns into sounds of screaming so real

sometimes i sit alone trying not to feel

tragedy turns facts inside the theory of mind

only theory they taught was to kill our own kind

Heaven Haunts with a Heavy Heart.

 Woke up screaming, bitterly sad and alone.

Same emptiness and heartache, comfortably known.

Screaming from the fear or to break the silence?

15 years later... still haunted by same murders and violence.

Sadness hurts always, you're never alone

 Saved me but told everyone it was for yourself

heart broken but I wasn't worth your breath

ain't right the hand you was dealt

you may never know the way I felt

never understand the reasons I had to leave

a fucked up choice and  I'll never forgive me

Hate for you to understand me more

 hate for you to have to leave your home

future paused to fight in a combat zone

surrounded by people but feel all alone

just to make it back for folks see your gone

hate for you to kick in that first door

flat line a family, run up the score 

this is why you sent me here to war

to carry the sins you wont answer for

kept the future I had paused too long

every thought telling me I was wrong

168 hrs/week not wanting to live anymore

hate for you to reap these benefits of war